Jasmin Lee Cori, M.S. - Author, Mind, Body & Spirit

Parents don’t have to physically hit or terrify or use cruel, biting words to leave scars. This seems difficult for people to understand. I hear phrases like, “They didn’t beat me.” As if a lack of physical or emotional abuse means that parents get a pass.

Not true! There are “sins of omission” as well as “sins of commission,” as I first wrote about in The Emotionally Absent Mother. When parents fail to guide us, protect us, act as an admiring mirror, supply us with abundant affection, or fail to fulfill other important parental roles, this is neglect.

The invisibility of emotional neglect

Because the word neglect is often associated with not attending to our physical needs (food, clothing, shelter), emotional neglect often goes unrecognized, especially when your parent(s) do some of the things good parents do, like go to parent-teacher conferences. What’s to complain about?

What we don’t see is not only is emotional neglect harmful; there is evidence that it is worse than physical or emotional abuse. 

The hardest abandonment to face is when the other is right there. Maybe you’ve felt this with a partner or spouse. It also happens with parents, who may see themselves as good parents, even while emotionally absent or clueless about your needs.

It is not that people intend to be emotionally absent. They just are, for a great variety of reasons. Maybe they have a hard time being present in general or making emotional contact with another. Perhaps your parent was busy caretaking someone else, working too much, or perhaps didn’t have an internal reference for what good parenting entails because his or her parenting was so lousy. Many times, it goes back several generations.

Long-term effects of emotional neglect

There is so much we need from parents to create a foundation that will help us succeed in life. I’m not talking about being a super-achiever, but having a sense of self that doesn’t crumble when someone looks at you in other than an appreciative way. I’m talking about feeling innately loveable and that your needs can be met. About being secure enough to be vulnerable and have deep, loving relationships.

Emotional neglect in childhood leaves a wake of incomplete development. Often you’re scrambling as an adult to get attachment needs met (if you’re not denying them), trying to build a sturdy sense of self, patching up holes in your self-esteem. If you were too busy as a child trying to get Mom or Dad to like you, you were focused on what they wanted and didn’t have the chance to learn what you want. Consequently, you may feel a little hollow and as if you don’t really know yourself.

Other common outcomes include feeling alone in the world, as if you don’t have a place that you belong. Or you suffer depression on and off throughout your life. Or feel cut off from your feelings and never quite feel deserving of asking that your needs to be met. Maybe you got caught in the trap of perfectionism, because doing things really, really well gave you at least a small chance of being seen. For more, see my list of long-term effects of neglect.[link to next blog]
 
It’s never too late: healing from emotional neglect

It’s true that we can’t change what happened, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make up for much of it.

Healing from neglect isn’t about blaming (although we may go through some necessary anger), but about understanding what happened, how it impacted you, and most importantly what you can do now to complete your own development. Those deficits are not permanent defects, but rather places that need attention.

Both of my books The Emotionally Absent Mother and Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother (a workbook) can help you with this healing project.